One of the things I enjoy about keeping a blog is having the ability to read back through my own past. I was never very good at journaling, and I probably wouldn't write things down if they were just for my own benefit, but the creation of a personal archive has ended up being one of the primary motivations for my blogging. In some ways I don't care if you people out there are reading, because it's for me. And if reading this helps someone else along the way, that's a bonus.
Not to completely dismiss my readers. The other major reason I've kept the blog is its function as an entry-point into the blogger community, which has done a lot to make me feel less alone over the past few years. It's really nice to hear from people in similar situations. But that's a different post.
In my usual state of late-night uber-reflectiveness (hooray for post-weekend insomnia), I read through some of my posts from this time last year. I am particularly ashamed to note that I have been more negative recently, and that I was much more reflective regarding my job and academia in general a year ago. Some of this might be due to my being here longer - things become normal instead of bloggable and interesting. I think some of it also reflects dissatisfaction with our current state; Partner had hoped to find something more suitable by now, and I get to feel guilty for being the one with the satisfying work. But our timing was also pretty horrible, so we should probably just be happy he has a job at all... which also makes me feel guilty, since I obviously am not appreciating what we have when I'm worrying about finding something better.
Guilt spirals are my specialty.
Does this count as negativity? Maybe. I should try to be positive. Like focusing on the fact that I get to take my students West next month, to one of my favorite places. There's a job perk! I should also stop venting my frustrations onto the internet, most likely, unless they might be useful or instructive to others. Which is probably not the case very often.
I will say that I have been impressed by current events both abroad and domestic, as I am generally a pessimist and have very little faith in humanity's ability to do what is best for itself. I like that I am being shown that I am wrong, in many different places.
8 hours ago