Sunday, December 1, 2013

letting go

Somehow I have created a mess out of what was supposed to be pre-baby prep time and maternity leave.  This week I'm trying to get some samples ready and run for a grant proposal, I'm grading, and I'm reading up on tenure file guidelines.  Next week I'm probably going to be finishing the grant and the tenure files, if I'm lucky.

I have two students submitting late work this month for various reasons.  I have two students doing independent work next term under my supervision, despite the fact that I'm on leave.  Friggin' seniors and their graduation timelines and their desires to work on things that no one else can mentor. 

I'm also on a search committee for a departmental position next term, despite the fact that I'm on leave.  Which I really want to be part of, despite its timing, because I would like this new tenure-line colleague to not suck.

I need to stop with my desire to micro-manage the rest of the year and deal with everything before I'm gone.  It's hard to let stuff go and trust that it will all get done in my absence, despite knowing very well that it will all get done at some point even if I'm not there.  That whole thing about other people doing their jobs, or at least the fact that I should not feel responsible if they don't, and whatnot.

Kiddo is still head-up, so we will probably be trying an external version in about a week, which the doctor refers to as "a lot of massaging" but which the internet implies can be painful and not much fun.  Because there is a chance that trying to turn the kid will lead to immediately having the kid, we are trying to finalize stuff like car seat installation and online purchases.  Which lead me to small panic attacks over details like, can the car seat actually be touching the front seat of the car, however slightly, or will that contact of cloth-on-cloth somehow lead to a fiery death that would otherwise have been avoided?  What if I don't get all the laundry done in time?  Can I possibly stockpile everything I would need for 3-4 weeks before the baby gets here (I will try, anyway)?

You know, basic high-anxiety paranoia stuff.  It's usually short-lived, but I have my moments. 

Strangely all of this is being channeled not into dreams about babies, but instead into dreams about taking college courses and not getting my work done on time or having horrible professors who are out to get me. 

The mind is a weird, weird place, and I hope mine will settle down once I cross a few things off my to-do list over the next few days.  You people who work in your actual jobs with 8-hour days all the way up to your due dates, I have no idea how you do that.  You are amazing.  

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